After dating for more than 1.5 years, Jane decided that the time was right to send Brian a dating application. The application and response. No complaints were filed, though given the delay in sending the application, the rejection letter may still be in transit.
From: Brian Nosek [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Thursday, June 04, 1998 5:12 PM
Cc: Bethany Teachman
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history and current medical report from your doctor.
Please answer the following 20 questions.
1. Name: Brian Arthur Vincent (Catholic Confirmation Name) Nosek
2. Date of Birth: 09-15-72
3. Height: 6' 3/4" (I haven't the foggiest idea how many centimeters I am -- a failure of our silly American pride in a flawed system of measurement)
4. Weight: 190lbs. (kg? no idea - see above)
5. I.Q.: Bethany is a better person to ask about this one.
6. G.P.A.: We don't get grades in graduate school, but my undergraduate gpa was somewhere between 2.0 and 4.0
7. Social Insurance Number: 1-800-silly-socialists. In the states we call this the social SECURITY number. Of course this derives from our prevailing paranoia of communist invasion inspired by such American heroes as the lovable McCarthy.
8. Driver's License Number: 217028293 CT
9. Boy Scout Rank: I only survived through Webloes as a cub scout. I quit boy scouts in the first couple of weeks because I didn't like it, or the scout leader. A couple of years later, my scout leader was arrested for child molestation. I now trust my intuition about everything.
10. Troop #: 1-800-get-help
11. Home Address: Department of Psychology, Kirtland Hall, room B-01K -- you might also reach me where I keep my stuff -- 24 Pearl St. #1, New Haven, CT 06511
12. Do you own a sports car or a truck with oversize tires?: With my Honda Accord, I have been likened to sheep or cattle with no mind and no personality. I am hoping it is because of the vehicle selection and not for other reasons.
13. Do you have a tattoo, nose ring or belly button ring? Not on my body.
14. In 30 words or less, what does CURFEW mean to you?
That is the thing that my mom cried a lot about when it broke in high school. I never did find out where it was, but it must have been in the driveway when I drove up at night. (39 words, sorry)
15. In 30 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
It is like a starting gun. Whenever I hear it, I find that the best solution is to start running like mad.
16. In 30 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
I can never remember. My friends only talk about it when I am really drunk.
17. What church do you attend? How often?
I walk by the church across the street everyday.
18. When would be the best time to interview...
a) your mother? don't bother trying on Sundays
b) your father? right after the Yankees win the World Series
c) your employer? employer? what's that?
d) your pastor? us Catholics call him a priest.
e) your parole officer? after I am caught
(Note: If you provided an answer for item e, discontinue application and leave the premises)
19. Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely as all answers are confidential.
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would like to be wounded is ______________.
Actually, there isn't even a first place that I would _like_ to be shot. Weird question.
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is ______________________.
Again, wanting bones broken? I think this question is a trap. Besides, how could I ever be beaten? Trick question.
A woman's place is in the ______________________________
back, two doors to the right. The men's place is right next to it. Just read the signs. We call them bathrooms in the states.
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
any of the questions that Bethany typically asks, including her 'tests.'
When I first meet a woman, the first thing I notice about her is her _______________.
insatiable need to ridicule me unnecessarily.
(Note: If your answer begins with a body part, discontinue and leave the premises-keeping your head low and running in a serpentine pattern is advised)
20. What do you want to be if you grow up?
I would love to be able to tie my shoes without using my hands, calm a riot with a plate of homemade cookies, tame wild boar, and teach sheep to talk. I would like to run a marathon without the aid of shoes, clothes, or exercise. I would like to become the first person to, not only leap buildings in a single bound, but to wash all of the windows before I land. I would like to save the meek, help the wicked, and heal the sick. I would like to be the first, second, and last person to build a homemade spaceship and fly to Mars. I would like to discover a new continent and invent a phone that won't allow call-waiting. I want to figure out why anyone would watch Jerry Springer, I want to make my white socks really white again. I'd like to grow plants that need no care. I want to be in shape without having to move. I'd like to read minds and grant wishes. Most of all, I would like to see all the Seinfeld episodes that I missed.
****I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under the penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion and Chinese water torture****
As long as death precedes all of the other punishments....
Signature: __Brian A. Nosek____
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases.
Would it be rude to ask them to play?