from Brian Nosek <email@example.com>
to Friends and Family
cc Bethany Teachman <firstname.lastname@example.org>
date May 18, 2006 6:57 PM
Do not be alarmed. I am assured that everything will be fine.
It appears that Bethany has some sort of parasite growing inside her. I am a bit sketchy on the details because I was in the middle of adding some new features to my cell phone when we went to the doctor. I will give you as much information as I was able to glean.
Apparently, Bethany was infected about 11 weeks ago. I asked the doctor how this could have happened. She seemed to think it was my fault (Bethany did not disagree). I insisted that there were dozens of people that could be responsible. Strangely, neither she nor Bethany seemed too pleased about my vehement denials. Believe me, this is just another in a long line of events that turns out to be my fault.
Put off by Bethany casting stones, I shifted my attention back to the phone. (Did you know that I can get email right on the cell?) The doctor said something about the parasite continuing to grow and cause a lot of changes – physical and emotional. It is clear that this has already affected Bethany. She seemed deliriously happy in the face of terrifying news. Also, the presence of the parasite will become very noticeable (please try not to stare when you see her, I am sure she will be feeling quite self-conscious). I asked when it could be removed. The appointment could not be scheduled until December! Who said our health care system isn't broken?
When I expressed my relief that this will all be over before our big New Year's party, the doctor dropped another bomb along with an icy stare (how unprofessional). When we finally remove it from Bethany, it will infect the house! This caught my attention. I pressed further and learned that we may not be able to get rid of it for 18 years and some infestations persist for 20, 25, even 30, years. Adding insult, it will be enormously expensive, create messes all over the house, and be very attention demanding. I have enough trouble dealing with our lawn, and now this? If all this were not enough, after final expunging, we will probably have to continue paying to keep it away from the house.
Obviously, this is a lot for me to bear. Bethany is overcome with bizarre changes – a huge smile pasted on her face, a new obsession with touching her stomach, and tons of babbling crazy-talk. We are going to dress and feed it? I don't think so!
As awful as it sounds, we will pull through this. Feel free to call anytime. It will give me a chance to hear the new ringtones that I added during the appointment. Thank you for all of your support.
Brian and Bethany